Paal:
Welcome back to Alveskog – Voices of the Soul.
Today we’re going to talk with Kine about her background.
Maybe you just want to start wherever it feels most relevant?
Kine:
Yeah, I think I’ll start with my childhood, because that really sets the stage for the rest of the story.
I grew up in what I’d call a pretty normal family, with three siblings and both my mom and dad at home through the 80s and 90s.
So I usually just say I had an “80s–90s childhood.”
I remember it as a really good childhood.
There was always a lot going on, and I was the only one of my siblings who didn’t go to kindergarten. So I spent a lot of time with my mom, and that’s where I got a lot of my early learning.
Then there came a point when the family broke apart, and for me that turned into what I’d call a hidden anxiety.
I wasn’t really aware of what it was, and I don’t think the people around me could see what was happening inside either.
I remember at that time, when the family split up and in the period after, I became more restless, more resistant to going to school, things like that. And it just built up more and more as I moved into my teenage years.
I’d still say I was doing okay during that time. Even though I struggled mentally, I did well in other ways with my family and so on. But like I said, there was this hidden anxiety. Things I wasn’t aware of, and because of that, I never got any help.
Paal:
How did that anxiety affect you back then?
Kine:
I’d say… how did it affect me?
It showed up as a lot of inner restlessness, a lot of thoughts. On the outside I probably looked fine, but inside I was struggling a lot more than anyone realized.
Paal:
Yeah, and maybe more than you realized yourself too?
Kine:
Yes, exactly. I didn’t know what it was.
It was completely new to me – just this feeling of pulling back more and more, even if I didn’t understand why.
Paal:
What happened after that?
Kine:
Well, I was supposed to start high school, and I remember talking with my mom about how I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know what life had to offer me.
That led to some failed attempts at school that never really worked out.
And that’s why, to this day, I still don’t have a formal education. I never really managed to get back on track – partly because of unforeseen events and the paths I ended up taking.
By the time I was 16 or 17, I had a boyfriend and moved out of my childhood home, and not long after, I was pregnant with my first child.
I thought maybe I was ready for adult life and everything that came with it.
Paal:
But in reality, you were still really young.
Kine:
Yes, in reality I was way too young, and I think my parents probably felt many times that it was too early.
And looking back now, I can definitely say it was far too early.
Paal:
Yes, in hindsight.
Kine:
Exactly, it’s like that.
Life after that became very hectic. As I said, I struggled a lot mentally, and I also went through a breakup with my child’s father.
That led me into a very restless lifestyle. Drugs came into the picture – not like, “oh, I’ll just try this,” but more like, “maybe this can help me mentally.”
Paal:
Was that a conscious thought, or did it just happen?
Kine:
No, actually it was someone who said it to me… I started hanging out with the wrong people. Someone said, “Hey, do you struggle with anxiety? We’ve got something that helps.”
And as unwise as I was back then, I chose to try it.
And of course, the drug I was given worked – in that moment.
And I really mean in that moment.
Paal:
Do you want to explain what you mean by “in that moment”?
Kine:
Yeah, because the rest of my story is heavy, and it’s important to understand who I am and where I’ve been.
I spent almost three years constantly using drugs.
During that time, my son lived with his father.
I was also in a relationship where both of us were using, and of course that didn’t help…
Paal:
No, of course not.
Kine:
Two broken people using together – trying to move forward in life was nearly impossible.
We’d use separately, then together, and it just spiraled.
Looking back, my behavior then was very immature. And it was fear too – fear of facing my own struggles.
I knew that if I went to a doctor and admitted I was struggling, I’d get help. But my fear of showing up and saying “I’m struggling” was so strong that it felt easier to stay in that environment.
Because they demanded nothing from me. They didn’t ask me for anything. They were “friends” through thick and thin – though mostly thin.
That’s why I didn’t take the step to get help – I was terrified of admitting out loud that I was struggling.
Paal:
But eventually you did get out of drug abuse.
Kine:
Yes, I did. But not right away.
I was still in that relationship, and then I discovered I was pregnant.
That was not a good situation at all – to be in that lifestyle and also have a child on the way.
So I started seeing a psychologist in Levanger, and she worked actively with me to figure out what my way forward was.
At first it was just about me, and of course the baby I was expecting.
We applied for me to go to Lade Treatment Center in Trondheim, in the family unit there.
And in January 2007, I got a place – a long-term program where you could live with your child even if you had a history of drug use.
Paal:
How long were you there?
Kine:
I stayed for 15 months. I think I was one of those who stayed the longest.
A lot of that was because I didn’t feel completely ready.
My main motivation to get clean and turn my life around at that time was the child I was carrying.
That choice – to get clean for my child – has been a defining one in my story.
Paal:
What do you mean by that?
Kine:
I mean I didn’t get clean for myself. It wasn’t like, “I’ll get my life together.”
It was, “I have to get clean if I want to keep this child.”
Maybe that sounds selfish, because of where I came from. But I had hope.
Hope that maybe this child would be my salvation, the thing that pushed me forward.
Paal:
That gave you that little extra?
Kine:
Yes. So I stayed there for 15 months. The father joined me after a month, and together we got clean, living alongside other families with children and histories of drug abuse.
After that we moved out of Lade and back to Steinkjer. Looking back now, that was not a smart choice.
Paal:
Why not?
Kine:
Because that’s where our old environment was. Familiar people, familiar places – constant reminders of what we’d been through.
In hindsight, it wasn’t the best choice.
Paal:
What were the consequences of that decision?
Kine:
It made starting a new life difficult, because the drug scene was always there as a reminder. I withdrew socially and focused only on being a mother. But things still weren’t in place.
We also had child protective services involved all along. And I have to say – we had a wonderful woman, an older caseworker who had worked with addicts for years. She became almost like a grandmother to the kids. She understood, and she could also be very direct, which I’m grateful for.
Paal:
How great to meet someone like that.
Kine:
Yes. Because CPS is scary – very scary – especially when you’re an addict. You think it means your children will be taken away.
But she followed us for almost four years before moving to another position. After that, new caseworkers came, and things changed.
Paal:
What changed?
Kine:
Two new caseworkers came with a very different view of addicts and children. They came in with heavy artillery. They even talked about full custody removal.
The father had relapsed, and the family situation became chaotic. By then we had two children together. The kids lived with me, but it was a very unstable time.
We made poor choices – moving in together again, trying to start fresh in Stjørdal. Partly to get away from CPS in Steinkjer, who seemed to be on our case about everything.
We hoped for a new start in Stjørdal. Local CPS there promised to follow up, but nothing really happened. Our relationship fell apart with conflict and violence (never in front of the kids, but still).
The father moved back to Steinkjer by January 2010. I stayed in Stjørdal. Both of us relapsed. And of course, kids and drugs don’t mix.
Paal:
No.
Kine:
My anxiety was still there, but I never got proper treatment because life was always in chaos. My psychologist even said, “I can’t treat your anxiety until your life is stable.”
By February, I called her and said, “I need help, now. I can’t get out of this.”
She even drove from Levanger to Stjørdal. She asked if she could call CPS, and I agreed – “Yes, they have to come.”
But I didn’t hear from them for a month. Finally, in April, two caseworkers showed up and said, “This isn’t sustainable. We’re taking the kids today.”
Paal:
That was pretty brutal.
Kine:
It was brutal. Today I can see it was necessary. But at the time, being told I had half an hour to pack my kids’ clothes – not knowing if I’d see them again – it was numbing. I forced myself to stay calm so the kids wouldn’t be scared.
The kids were placed in foster care – not just one home, but several, before finally ending up in wonderful homes where they still are today.
There were court battles, struggles, all of it. But eventually I realized the kids needed peace.
Paal:
Yes, I remember you said you arrived at a point where you decided to give them peace.
Kine:
Yes. And part of that was because I coped with losing them by using even more drugs. For two years I spiraled, until one day I said, “What kind of life is this? Are you going to be another statistic? Or will you take control, for your own sake?”
Paal:
And that decision came from within, by yourself?
Kine:
Yes. But the relapse after losing my kids was worse than before. I was so deep in grief that I felt like I’d either die or numb it so much that I couldn’t feel.
By 2012, after a breakup, I woke up one morning and thought, “I can’t do this anymore. If I keep going, I won’t come back.”
What helped me was my younger brother. He was my rock through everything. Always there, always honest, always loving. He gave me hope.
So I decided – I’m done. Done with drugs, done with that life.
Paal:
Can you tell us how you stopped?
Kine:
Yes, it was strange. I was in a tough drug scene. One day I went to some friends just to borrow a cigarette. They handed me a bag of drugs instead, and asked, “Do you want this?” And in that moment, my body said, “No.”
I said out loud, “I’ve stopped using,” and walked out of there.
Paal:
You basically changed identity in that moment – from “user” to “non-user.”
Kine:
Yes. And I’ve thought about that moment many times since. I was one step away from going under, but something in me wanted more.
After that, things were tough. I did urine tests, waited for them to be clean, went to Levanger for six weeks of evaluation. My psychologist said to me, “Kine, this time you stopped on your own. Not for anyone else. Not in treatment. You don’t need rehab. You need to go live.”
That was 13 years ago. I haven’t regretted it for a day.
Paal:
I believe that – I know it.
Kine:
Yes. Life hasn’t been easy, but it’s been different. I still live in Steinkjer, but under completely different circumstances.
I have my kids when I’m able, though physical illness affects me.
But I’ve been drug-free for 13 years.
The key was that it was my choice. I did it for myself, by myself. That gave me strength.
Life isn’t perfect – I still carry trauma – but it’s nothing like before.
Paal:
Yes, life has a different quality without drugs. You can actually live fully.
Kine:
Exactly. I know now that no matter how tough life gets, I won’t go back. That’s strength.
Paal:
How would you sum all of this up?
Kine:
I tell my story because so many people are in similar situations – with drugs, with CPS, with shame.
I’m passionate about openness, about removing the shame. Even four years of drug use leaves deep marks.
I want people to know – don’t be afraid to speak up. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m struggling.” Do it for yourself.
Paal:
Would you like to say, before we end, where you are today?
Kine:
Yes. Today I reflect a lot. I want my kids to know their story – not as a warning, but as part of their roots.
I still work with my mental health and my traumas, through professional help and also alternative practices like meditation and breathwork.
The work never ends – life always reminds you where you’ve been and where you’re going.
Paal:
Thank you for sharing. What a powerful story. I hope those of you listening can take something from it.
Kine:
Thank you for letting me share my story. If it helps someone, that means everything.
Paal:
Thank you all for listening. See you in the next episode.
Kine:
See you.
Paal and Kine:
Goodbye.
